Back when I was a child,
before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance,
another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance,
one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream
~Luther Vandross~
Went to Dad's house today... Lil' Sis wanted to say her goodbyes to our grandma and Dad (since he'll be leaving for Kuching the next day and won't be able to send her off at the airport this Sunday). It was our second time visiting his house since he left home. The first time we were there, things were a tad bit awkward, especially to see pictures of him and his new family scattered everywhere in the big house.
However, surprisingly today's visit was great. I mean, it wasn't as bad as the 1st one. We tried our best to keep things as normal as possible. Typical of Dad to assume that we'll be comfortable with his new wife and her family around. We just had to paste a sweet smile on our face and act polite. In fact, we were very polite that we've made our dad so proud of us.. (hah!)
As usual, I'll get all sappy inside whenever I see him. Can't help myself to always think of the good old days when the family was still together as one. The time when Dad used to come back from work and lepak with us girls in front of the TV. The time when he used to pluck his guitar to Broery Marantika's "Widuri" or Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven". Even the time when he was mad when he found out someone had doodled on his favorite jeans and had taken out his belt to wallop us, with me and Big Sis crying and shivering hard hiding under the dining table (it was not our doing.. we only scribble on walls and papers.. never on clothing materials.. especially Dad's).
That's my Dad. He can be sweet and charming, a woman's man, whenever he wants to be (especially when he sings laaa). However, when his temper erupts (which was quite often), just have to steer clear and let him be. I guess in many ways, I've inherited most of his qualities (everyone says so.. even though how hard I've tried to deny it). Most people even say that I look like him.. Where ever I go, people will always say, "You nieh anak Ron eh... You look exactly like him".. I tried my best not to disclose the identity of my father during my early days working with my current company (due to personal reasons). But I failed to do so because of 1) my name, 2) my face, and 3) those nosy HR people. Hence, I can't hide the fact that I AM his daughter (even though I've tried to do so countless times - especially during the critical times when I hated even the sight of him).
When he walked out on us in 1998, I've built a rift so deep that I thought I would never ever able to forgive him for what he has done to us. However, after thousands lectures from my uncle, other relatives and friends, I've tried to forgive him (but never forget). It was actually easier said than done, for I've seen through the whole episode when the family empire crumble into pieces. Thus, even though I've forgiven him I still can't shake and kiss his hand whenever we meet.
This went on until November 2003, while I was busy studying for my CIMA exam. It was during the holly month of Ramadhan. I took the opportunity of the holly month to do my part as Allah's humble servant to perform the Terawikh. One night, while I was at the mosque reciting my prayers, asking Allah to lighten the burden that I've carried so far and ease my path to success, a thought of Dad suddenly came over me. It is as if saying that if I want my future to be blessed by Him, I need to make my peace with Dad. I cried so hard that night thinking of what I have done, and how rude I have acted towards him all this while. It was not his fault that my family crumbles. I mean, maybe God has plans for each one of us. If it was not for the divorce, I may be very content with my life and not be the woman I am now. If it was not for the divorce, Mama would not have found the peace that she feels now and be much closer to God as she is now. If it was not for the divorce, Lil' Sis would not have been as tough and independent as she is now. Everything happens for a reason rite....
Hence, I've made my peace with Dad that year. He was very happy about it indeed. Sent me numerous sms'es wishing me luck for my exam and all. He will always be the Dad that I've known. The one that does not actually know how to show his love except to lavish us with material stuffs. Either way, he IS my Dad and will always be my dad, no matter how hard I try to deny that fact.
The only thing that I regret is that he was not in my life when I needed him the most. He was not there to watch me go out with my 1st real boyfriend. He was not there to share my joy when I scored the highest mark for an exam. He was not at my university graduation to see me get up the stage to collect my hard-earned scroll. He was not around for me to consult on my future plans. He was not around to brief me before my very 1st job interview.. The bottom line is.. he was never around.
However, I am thankful that he is trying his best to be there for Lil' Sis. I hope that Lil' Sis will appreciate his gestures and effort. I know I would, if only I could turn back time...
Went to Dad's house today... Lil' Sis wanted to say her goodbyes to our grandma and Dad (since he'll be leaving for Kuching the next day and won't be able to send her off at the airport this Sunday). It was our second time visiting his house since he left home. The first time we were there, things were a tad bit awkward, especially to see pictures of him and his new family scattered everywhere in the big house.
However, surprisingly today's visit was great. I mean, it wasn't as bad as the 1st one. We tried our best to keep things as normal as possible. Typical of Dad to assume that we'll be comfortable with his new wife and her family around. We just had to paste a sweet smile on our face and act polite. In fact, we were very polite that we've made our dad so proud of us.. (hah!)
As usual, I'll get all sappy inside whenever I see him. Can't help myself to always think of the good old days when the family was still together as one. The time when Dad used to come back from work and lepak with us girls in front of the TV. The time when he used to pluck his guitar to Broery Marantika's "Widuri" or Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven". Even the time when he was mad when he found out someone had doodled on his favorite jeans and had taken out his belt to wallop us, with me and Big Sis crying and shivering hard hiding under the dining table (it was not our doing.. we only scribble on walls and papers.. never on clothing materials.. especially Dad's).
That's my Dad. He can be sweet and charming, a woman's man, whenever he wants to be (especially when he sings laaa). However, when his temper erupts (which was quite often), just have to steer clear and let him be. I guess in many ways, I've inherited most of his qualities (everyone says so.. even though how hard I've tried to deny it). Most people even say that I look like him.. Where ever I go, people will always say, "You nieh anak Ron eh... You look exactly like him".. I tried my best not to disclose the identity of my father during my early days working with my current company (due to personal reasons). But I failed to do so because of 1) my name, 2) my face, and 3) those nosy HR people. Hence, I can't hide the fact that I AM his daughter (even though I've tried to do so countless times - especially during the critical times when I hated even the sight of him).
When he walked out on us in 1998, I've built a rift so deep that I thought I would never ever able to forgive him for what he has done to us. However, after thousands lectures from my uncle, other relatives and friends, I've tried to forgive him (but never forget). It was actually easier said than done, for I've seen through the whole episode when the family empire crumble into pieces. Thus, even though I've forgiven him I still can't shake and kiss his hand whenever we meet.
This went on until November 2003, while I was busy studying for my CIMA exam. It was during the holly month of Ramadhan. I took the opportunity of the holly month to do my part as Allah's humble servant to perform the Terawikh. One night, while I was at the mosque reciting my prayers, asking Allah to lighten the burden that I've carried so far and ease my path to success, a thought of Dad suddenly came over me. It is as if saying that if I want my future to be blessed by Him, I need to make my peace with Dad. I cried so hard that night thinking of what I have done, and how rude I have acted towards him all this while. It was not his fault that my family crumbles. I mean, maybe God has plans for each one of us. If it was not for the divorce, I may be very content with my life and not be the woman I am now. If it was not for the divorce, Mama would not have found the peace that she feels now and be much closer to God as she is now. If it was not for the divorce, Lil' Sis would not have been as tough and independent as she is now. Everything happens for a reason rite....
Hence, I've made my peace with Dad that year. He was very happy about it indeed. Sent me numerous sms'es wishing me luck for my exam and all. He will always be the Dad that I've known. The one that does not actually know how to show his love except to lavish us with material stuffs. Either way, he IS my Dad and will always be my dad, no matter how hard I try to deny that fact.
The only thing that I regret is that he was not in my life when I needed him the most. He was not there to watch me go out with my 1st real boyfriend. He was not there to share my joy when I scored the highest mark for an exam. He was not at my university graduation to see me get up the stage to collect my hard-earned scroll. He was not around for me to consult on my future plans. He was not around to brief me before my very 1st job interview.. The bottom line is.. he was never around.
However, I am thankful that he is trying his best to be there for Lil' Sis. I hope that Lil' Sis will appreciate his gestures and effort. I know I would, if only I could turn back time...
